1. Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, you shouldn't have." Also Known As: What a Girl, Precious, One of the Boys, Doormat.
Advantages: Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly.
Disadvantages: May wise up someday.
2. Old Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing no-talent SOB! Can't you see you're making me miserable?" Also Known As:She-Devil, Sourpuss, The Nag, My Old Lady.
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Disadvantages: Screeches, Throws frying pans.
3. Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps." Also Known As: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy.
Advantages: Predictable.
Disadvantages: Contagious.
4. The Boss - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look." Also Known As: Whipcracker, Sergeant, Ms. Know-it-All, Ball and Chain.
Advantages: Often right.
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, or hair color?" Also Known As: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey.
Advantages: Easily soothed.
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed.
6. Wild Woman - "I've got an idea. Let's get drunk and make love on the front lawn. I done it before. It's fun!" Also Known As: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Unconscious.
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs.
7. Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at!" Also Known As: No Fun, Humorless, Cold Fish, Iceberg, Snarly.
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Disadvantages: You will have no friends.
8. Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship." Also Known As: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic.
Advantages: Entertaining, Unfathomable.
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.
9. Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I want to make love to you like a crazed weasel." Also Known As: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, The One.
Advantages: Funny, Intelligent, Uninhibited.
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.
TYPES OF BOYFRIENDS
1. Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?" Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
2. Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV." Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
3. Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did." Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
4. Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'." Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
5. Lazybones - "Zzzzzz" Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
6. The Sneak - "Who, me?" Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
7. Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?" Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
8. The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but ..." Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
9. Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?" Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
2. Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV." Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
3. Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did." Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
4. Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'." Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
5. Lazybones - "Zzzzzz" Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
6. The Sneak - "Who, me?" Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
7. Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?" Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
8. The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but ..." Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
9. Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?" Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MALE LANGUAGE
- I'm hungry = I'm hungry
- I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
- I'm tired = I'm tired
- Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
- Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
- You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I'd like to have sex with you
- What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this
- What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
- What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
- I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
- I love you = Let's have sex now
- I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
- Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
- Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
- Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
- I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
MEN'S GUIDE TO FEMALE LANGUAGE
- We need = I want
- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
- We need to talk = I need to complain
- Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
- You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
- I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period
- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
- I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
- I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
- Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
- Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
- Are you listening to me!? = (Too late, you're dead.)
- Yes = No
- No = No
- Maybe = No
- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
- Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
- I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
- All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
MEN'S GUIDE TO FEMALE LANGUAGE
- We need = I want
- It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
- Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
- We need to talk = I need to complain
- Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
- I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
- You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
- You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
- I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period
- Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
- This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
- I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
- I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
- Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
- I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
- Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
- How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
- I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
- Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
- You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
- Are you listening to me!? = (Too late, you're dead.)
- Yes = No
- No = No
- Maybe = No
- I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
- Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
- Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
- I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
- All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
Every stupid silly joke is listed in hypothetical order!
Q: What is the definition of suspicious??
A: A nun doing pushups in a cucumber patch.
The husband said to his wife, "Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?"
"Okay," she said. "You stand by the ironing board and I'll lie on the sofa and watch TV."
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? - 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? - 45 minutes
Life stinks- I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like!
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? - Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
Q. What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
A. Fucks Funny!
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!
What's the best thing about Alzheimer's disease?
You get to meet new people every day!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They've got boyfriends already.
What is the similarity between a woman and laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you!
What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Why is the space between a girl's tits and hips called the waist?
Because you could put another pair of tits in there!
Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
What's the medical term for a female-to-male sex change operation?
Strapadictomy.
How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!
Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate!
Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
They don't have balls to scratch.
What is the definition of making love?
Something a woman does while a guy is boning her.
What do rednecks do for Halloween?
Pump kin!
Why do men like blowjobs?
It's the only time they get something into a woman's head straight!
What's the biggest problem for an atheist?
No-one to talk to during an orgasm! (Oh, God!)
What's worse than a cardboard box?
Paper tits!
What is 60 foot long and stinks of piss?
A conga line in an old folks home!
What's the best thing about a blow job?
Five minutes of peace and quiet.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and JFK?
One got his head blown off and the other was assassinated.
Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One of them says to
the other, "Hey, whaddya say we go in there & get shit-faced?"
A: A nun doing pushups in a cucumber patch.
The husband said to his wife, "Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?"
"Okay," she said. "You stand by the ironing board and I'll lie on the sofa and watch TV."
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? - 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? - 45 minutes
Life stinks- I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like!
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? - Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
Q. What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?
A. Fucks Funny!
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!
What's the best thing about Alzheimer's disease?
You get to meet new people every day!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They've got boyfriends already.
What is the similarity between a woman and laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you!
What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Why is the space between a girl's tits and hips called the waist?
Because you could put another pair of tits in there!
Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
What's the medical term for a female-to-male sex change operation?
Strapadictomy.
How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!
Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate!
Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
They don't have balls to scratch.
What is the definition of making love?
Something a woman does while a guy is boning her.
What do rednecks do for Halloween?
Pump kin!
Why do men like blowjobs?
It's the only time they get something into a woman's head straight!
What's the biggest problem for an atheist?
No-one to talk to during an orgasm! (Oh, God!)
What's worse than a cardboard box?
Paper tits!
What is 60 foot long and stinks of piss?
A conga line in an old folks home!
What's the best thing about a blow job?
Five minutes of peace and quiet.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and JFK?
One got his head blown off and the other was assassinated.
Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One of them says to
the other, "Hey, whaddya say we go in there & get shit-faced?"
Definitions of a Single Eligible Bachelor
One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.
One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.
One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.
One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two.
One who can forget his mistakes.
One who can get into bed from either side.
One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.
One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands.
One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house.
One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without having his wife interrupt.
One who can't be Spouse-Broken.
One who can't stand the strain of a wife.
One who cheated some woman out of a divorce.
One who doesn't have to leave the party when he starts having a good time.
One who failed to embrace his opportunities
One who is a free male.
One who is allergic to Wedding cakes.
One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free.
One who is known as a Dame Dropper.
One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt.
One who knows all the ankles.
One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.
One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may wind up on a leash.
One who knows more about Women than Men. That's why he is a Bachelor.
One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.
One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single!!!!
One who looks, but does not leap.
One who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.
One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from.
One who never makes the same mistake once.
One who never met a girl he couldn't live without.
One who never Mrs. Anything.
One who never says, "I'll Give You A Ring Tomorrow!"
One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur outstanding.
One who prefers ripe tomatoes with little dressing.
One who thinks he is a thing of Beauty and a Boy forever.
One who travels fastest in a parked car.
One who tries to avoid the issue.
One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman's grip.
One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets.
One who washes only one set of dishes.
One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.
One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in.
One who won't take `Yes' for an answer.
One who would rather change girls than change their names.
One who would rather cook his own goose.
One who would rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck.
One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.
One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.
One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.
One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two.
One who can forget his mistakes.
One who can get into bed from either side.
One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.
One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands.
One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house.
One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without having his wife interrupt.
One who can't be Spouse-Broken.
One who can't stand the strain of a wife.
One who cheated some woman out of a divorce.
One who doesn't have to leave the party when he starts having a good time.
One who failed to embrace his opportunities
One who is a free male.
One who is allergic to Wedding cakes.
One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free.
One who is known as a Dame Dropper.
One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt.
One who knows all the ankles.
One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.
One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may wind up on a leash.
One who knows more about Women than Men. That's why he is a Bachelor.
One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.
One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single!!!!
One who looks, but does not leap.
One who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.
One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from.
One who never makes the same mistake once.
One who never met a girl he couldn't live without.
One who never Mrs. Anything.
One who never says, "I'll Give You A Ring Tomorrow!"
One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur outstanding.
One who prefers ripe tomatoes with little dressing.
One who thinks he is a thing of Beauty and a Boy forever.
One who travels fastest in a parked car.
One who tries to avoid the issue.
One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman's grip.
One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets.
One who washes only one set of dishes.
One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.
One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in.
One who won't take `Yes' for an answer.
One who would rather change girls than change their names.
One who would rather cook his own goose.
One who would rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck.
One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.
The Secrete Codes of Man : Funny and Hilarious
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means...."You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means...."Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...."I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means...."I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means...."What did you catch me doing?"
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...."She refused to make my coffee."
"I heard you."
Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means...."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
Really means...."It was a free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means...."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...."I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means...."I make the messes, you clean them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...."You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...."If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means...."You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means...."Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...."I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means...."I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means...."What did you catch me doing?"
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...."She refused to make my coffee."
"I heard you."
Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means...."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
Really means...."It was a free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means...."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...."I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means...."I make the messes, you clean them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...."You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...."If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
The Secrete Codes of Man : Funny and Hilarious
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means...."You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means...."Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...."I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means...."I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means...."What did you catch me doing?"
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...."She refused to make my coffee."
"I heard you."
Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means...."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
Really means...."It was a free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means...."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...."I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means...."I make the messes, you clean them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...."You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...."If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means...."You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means...."Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...."I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means...."I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means...."What did you catch me doing?"
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...."She refused to make my coffee."
"I heard you."
Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...."I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means...."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
Really means...."It was a free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means...."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...."I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means...."I make the messes, you clean them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...."You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...."If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
Basic Differences between Men and Women
- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
- Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
- Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
- A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
- There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
Single Female Rules and Guidelines!
1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.
Why aren't you married yet?"
- You haven't asked yet.
- I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
- What? And spoil my great sex life?
- Nobody would believe me in white.
- Because I just love hearing this question.
- Just lucky, I guess.
- It gives my mother something to live for.
- My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
- I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
- Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
- I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
- It didn't seem worth a blood test.
- I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
- Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
- My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
- I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
- They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
- I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
- I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
- What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
- We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.
- I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
- Why aren't you thin?
- I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
- (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
As Written By The Secret Society Of Men
Rule # 1: Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2: If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3: If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4: It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5: Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6: Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Rule # 7: You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.
Rule # 8: Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 9: Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
Rule # 10: Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their chest stared at.
Rule # 11: When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
Rule # 12: Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
If man was truly in charge:
- Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
- Birth control would come in ale or lager.
- You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
- Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL teamof your choice.
- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
- "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
- It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
- Tanks would be far easier to rent.
- Garbage would take itself out.Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
- Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
- On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
- Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
- Two words: Ally McNaked.
- Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
- The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
- Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. For example: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
- Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation
Life's Rules for Men - Part -2
51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
52. Create new words and phrases to describe genital, sex, semen, etc.
53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.
54. Lie.
55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
56. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
58. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
59. You are male, therefore you want quality.
60. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
61. Lie.
62. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
63. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?
64. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
65. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
66. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself or spot" and others will worship your skills.
67. Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with others.
68. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.
69. Lie.
70. General Rule: Different is BAD.
71. If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their f you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
72. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then."
73. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave, and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.)
74. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
75. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
76. Practice grunting 5 times a day. While some may find it acceptable to grunt only before the morning coffee, the true male will only answer in monosyllabic form, except for emergencies, i.e.. when some portion of your body is on fire.
77. Never ask for directions. Ever. Even if you find yourself crossing the state line when all you wanted was to go buy some ammo.
78. Never ever show emotion. No exceptions. Including the emergency listed in Rule 1.
79. Refuse to talk about the relationship. Get uptight whenever she mentions "love" or "commitment."
80. Leave your boxers on the dining room table. Several pairs. Pretend they aren't there for as long as you can.
81. Never talk to a female, no matter how long you've known her, when you're with your friends.
82. Watch WWF Wrestling and believe it's real. Attempt to get tickets to the matches.
83. Scratch yourself in front of them. Watch them squirm.
84. Realize that your phone bill is way too high, and you couldn't possibly call any of your female friends, even if it's local.
85. Never compliment a girl, unless it's behind her back about the size of her, um...
86. Be early for everything (before the girl is even out of the shower) or don't show up at all.
87. Tell your girlfriend she doesn't kiss as well as your ex.
88. Plan for months ahead to finally go to that wrestling match with all your friends, on your anniversary of course, but neglect to tell your significant other until the day before. When she starts crying, offer to take her along. When she kicks you out of the house, move in with your friends and watch wrestling. Tell them she just has PMS.
89. Tell your girlfriend every dirty joke you can think of-you know how she loves them!
90. When she gets a cold, to cheer her up, tell her exactly how red her nose is and how bleary her eyes are. Expect her to be grateful that you're staying with her.
91. Invite your girlfriend to a Pantera concert. When she gets injured in the mosh pit, get your friend to take her to the emergency room.
92. Tell her, in detail, about all the girls that hit on you.
93. When she finally convinces you to take her to Prom, refuse to dance. Besides, you're just there to stand around and look cool, right?
94. Automatically assume that she doesn't know a thing about cars or electrical equipment. When she finally gives in and lets you fix something, try your best to completely ruin it.
95. Blame everything on PMS.
52. Create new words and phrases to describe genital, sex, semen, etc.
53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.
54. Lie.
55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
56. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.
57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
58. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
59. You are male, therefore you want quality.
60. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
61. Lie.
62. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.
63. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway?
64. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
65. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
66. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself or spot" and others will worship your skills.
67. Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with others.
68. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.
69. Lie.
70. General Rule: Different is BAD.
71. If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their f you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.
72. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then."
73. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave, and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.)
74. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
75. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.
76. Practice grunting 5 times a day. While some may find it acceptable to grunt only before the morning coffee, the true male will only answer in monosyllabic form, except for emergencies, i.e.. when some portion of your body is on fire.
77. Never ask for directions. Ever. Even if you find yourself crossing the state line when all you wanted was to go buy some ammo.
78. Never ever show emotion. No exceptions. Including the emergency listed in Rule 1.
79. Refuse to talk about the relationship. Get uptight whenever she mentions "love" or "commitment."
80. Leave your boxers on the dining room table. Several pairs. Pretend they aren't there for as long as you can.
81. Never talk to a female, no matter how long you've known her, when you're with your friends.
82. Watch WWF Wrestling and believe it's real. Attempt to get tickets to the matches.
83. Scratch yourself in front of them. Watch them squirm.
84. Realize that your phone bill is way too high, and you couldn't possibly call any of your female friends, even if it's local.
85. Never compliment a girl, unless it's behind her back about the size of her, um...
86. Be early for everything (before the girl is even out of the shower) or don't show up at all.
87. Tell your girlfriend she doesn't kiss as well as your ex.
88. Plan for months ahead to finally go to that wrestling match with all your friends, on your anniversary of course, but neglect to tell your significant other until the day before. When she starts crying, offer to take her along. When she kicks you out of the house, move in with your friends and watch wrestling. Tell them she just has PMS.
89. Tell your girlfriend every dirty joke you can think of-you know how she loves them!
90. When she gets a cold, to cheer her up, tell her exactly how red her nose is and how bleary her eyes are. Expect her to be grateful that you're staying with her.
91. Invite your girlfriend to a Pantera concert. When she gets injured in the mosh pit, get your friend to take her to the emergency room.
92. Tell her, in detail, about all the girls that hit on you.
93. When she finally convinces you to take her to Prom, refuse to dance. Besides, you're just there to stand around and look cool, right?
94. Automatically assume that she doesn't know a thing about cars or electrical equipment. When she finally gives in and lets you fix something, try your best to completely ruin it.
95. Blame everything on PMS.
Life's Rules To Be A Perfect Man
1. Don't call, ever.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike."
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
6. Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?"
7. Drink Vernors.
8. Play with yourself. Talk about it.
9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
10. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
11. Lie.
12. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
13. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help - don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
14. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
15. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.
16. If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."
17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
21. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
22. Say things like, "Wha...?"
23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
24. Lie.
25. Deny everything. Everything. 26. Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."
27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.
28. Don't have a clue.
29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
30. No means yes.
31. Yes means no.
32. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.
33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.
34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
35. Feelings? What feelings?
36. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to personally irradiate all of them from the planet.
39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.
41. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.
42. Lie.
43. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.
44. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
45. Ditch your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Ditch her again. Repeat cycle.
46. Lie.
47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
49. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things.
You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike."
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
6. Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?"
7. Drink Vernors.
8. Play with yourself. Talk about it.
9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
10. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
11. Lie.
12. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
13. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help - don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
14. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
15. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.
16. If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."
17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
21. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
22. Say things like, "Wha...?"
23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
24. Lie.
25. Deny everything. Everything. 26. Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."
27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.
28. Don't have a clue.
29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
30. No means yes.
31. Yes means no.
32. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.
33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.
34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
35. Feelings? What feelings?
36. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to personally irradiate all of them from the planet.
39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.
41. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.
42. Lie.
43. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.
44. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
45. Ditch your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Ditch her again. Repeat cycle.
46. Lie.
47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
49. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things.
You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
Life's Rules To Be A Perfect Man
1. Don't call, ever.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike."
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
6. Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?"
7. Drink Vernors.
8. Play with yourself. Talk about it.
9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
10. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
11. Lie.
12. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
13. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help - don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
14. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
15. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.
16. If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."
17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
21. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
22. Say things like, "Wha...?"
23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
24. Lie.
25. Deny everything. Everything. 26. Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."
27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.
28. Don't have a clue.
29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
30. No means yes.
31. Yes means no.
32. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.
33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.
34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
35. Feelings? What feelings?
36. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to personally irradiate all of them from the planet.
39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.
41. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.
42. Lie.
43. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.
44. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
45. Ditch your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Ditch her again. Repeat cycle.
46. Lie.
47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
49. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things.
You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike."
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
6. Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?"
7. Drink Vernors.
8. Play with yourself. Talk about it.
9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
10. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
11. Lie.
12. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
13. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help - don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
14. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
15. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.
16. If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."
17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.
20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.
21. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
22. Say things like, "Wha...?"
23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
24. Lie.
25. Deny everything. Everything. 26. Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."
27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.
28. Don't have a clue.
29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
30. No means yes.
31. Yes means no.
32. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.
33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.
34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
35. Feelings? What feelings?
36. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to personally irradiate all of them from the planet.
39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.
41. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.
42. Lie.
43. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.
44. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
45. Ditch your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Ditch her again. Repeat cycle.
46. Lie.
47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
49. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things.
You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.
Facts About Women that Men should Learn Quickly!
1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.
2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".
4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.
14. Women think all beer is the same.
15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
18. Women brush their hair before bed.
19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
21. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
22. Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil- stick, oil doesn't stick?"
23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.
24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.
30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
32. The first naked man a women see is "Ken".
33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.
34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
35. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
38. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
39. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"
40. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".
41. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
42. Origin of the word "woman" is: woo-man.
43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
48. It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don't see straight men dancing together.
49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!
2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".
4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.
14. Women think all beer is the same.
15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
18. Women brush their hair before bed.
19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
21. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
22. Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil- stick, oil doesn't stick?"
23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.
24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.
30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
32. The first naked man a women see is "Ken".
33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.
34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
35. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
38. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
39. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"
40. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".
41. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
42. Origin of the word "woman" is: woo-man.
43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
48. It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don't see straight men dancing together.
49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!
Women Fantasy : Hilarious Research
In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
The Difference between a Good Girl and a Bad Girl
Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"...
Bad girls say, "what's for breakfast?"
Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.
Good girls wear white cotton panties...
Bad girls don't wear any.
Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot...
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls make chicken for dinner...
Bad girls make reservations.
Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...
Bad girls know they could do better.
Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.
Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.
Good girls love italian food...
Bad girls love italian waiters.
Bad girls say, "what's for breakfast?"
Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.
Good girls wear white cotton panties...
Bad girls don't wear any.
Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot...
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls make chicken for dinner...
Bad girls make reservations.
Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...
Bad girls know they could do better.
Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.
Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.
Good girls love italian food...
Bad girls love italian waiters.
Arguing with Women - Is it really Wise?
1. She is not a Babe or a Chick - She is a Breasted American.
2. She is not a Screamer or Moaner - She is Vocally Appreciative.
3. She is not Easy - She is Horizontally Accessible.
4. She does not Tease or Flirt - She engages in Artificial Stimulation.
5. She is not Dumb - She is a Detour Off The Information Superhighway.
6. She has not Been Around - She is a Previously Enjoyed Companion.
7. She does not Get You Excited - She causes Temporary Blood Displacement.
8. She is not Kinky - She is a Creative Caretaker.
9. She does not have a Killer Body - She is Terminally Attactive.
10. She is not an Airhead - She is Reality Impaired.
11. She does not get Drunk or Tipsy - She gets Chemically Inconvenienced.
12. She is not Horny - She is Sexually Focused.
13. She does not have Breast Implants - She is Medically Enhanced.
14. She does not Nag You - She becomes Verbally Repetitive.
15. She is not a Slut - She is Sexually Extroverted.
16. She does not have Major League Hooters - She is Pectorally Superior.
17. She is not a Two Bit Whore - She is a Low Cost Provider.
2. She is not a Screamer or Moaner - She is Vocally Appreciative.
3. She is not Easy - She is Horizontally Accessible.
4. She does not Tease or Flirt - She engages in Artificial Stimulation.
5. She is not Dumb - She is a Detour Off The Information Superhighway.
6. She has not Been Around - She is a Previously Enjoyed Companion.
7. She does not Get You Excited - She causes Temporary Blood Displacement.
8. She is not Kinky - She is a Creative Caretaker.
9. She does not have a Killer Body - She is Terminally Attactive.
10. She is not an Airhead - She is Reality Impaired.
11. She does not get Drunk or Tipsy - She gets Chemically Inconvenienced.
12. She is not Horny - She is Sexually Focused.
13. She does not have Breast Implants - She is Medically Enhanced.
14. She does not Nag You - She becomes Verbally Repetitive.
15. She is not a Slut - She is Sexually Extroverted.
16. She does not have Major League Hooters - She is Pectorally Superior.
17. She is not a Two Bit Whore - She is a Low Cost Provider.
Men in Charge of Weddings
- There would be less "Oh Promise Me" and "Endless Love" and more "Louie, Louie" and "Mony Mony."
- There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" Party.
- The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
- There would be "Tailgate Receptions."
- Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear, The Burgandy or the Wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.
- Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.
- Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.
- The bride's dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her ass.
- Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors..
- June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.
- Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.
- Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.
- Big slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man".
- Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.
- Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.
- Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. The cost of strippers and liquor really do add up.
- Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.
- No one would bother with that "Veil Routine". But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.
- The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding (what's the difference) or something.
- Invitations would read as follow... Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain... He's getting married. He either: A)knocked her up
B)couldn't get a different roommate or
C)caved in to her ultimatum.. - Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him for the rest of his life at Soldier Field Stadium on the 50 Yard Line At Half-time during Sunday's Game. Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game for beer, nachos and pizza. Oh yeah... B.Y.O.B..
Facts About Men
- If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
- Woman don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
- The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.
- Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
- A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
- If you want a nice man go for a bald one - they try harder.
- Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
- A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
- Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
- Definition of a man with manners - he gets out of the bath to pee.
- Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is married.
- Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - a woman.
- There are a lot of words you can use to describe men - strong, caring, loving - they'd be wrong but you could still use them.
- Men are like animals, messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets.
- Men's brains are like the prison system - not enough cells per man.
- There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop".
- Husbands are like children. They're fine if they're someone else's.
Defining the Male Personality!
I'm glad I'm a man, of that I am proud.
I'm not at all bitchy, annoying and loud.
I won't try to squeeze in jeans three sizes too small.
My credit card is still good when I leave from the mall.
I won't drink Diet Coke, or eat a rice cake.
There's no silicone here, my chest isn't fake.
My face isn't "lifted," my bra isn't stuffed,
I do what's proper, I leave the toilet seat up.
It doesn't take hours to fix up my hair,
I don't see the need to use bathrooms in pairs.
I won't throw a tirade and then blame PMS.
I'm a man and I'm glad I can deal with my stress.
I have intuition, I never get lost.
I share household duties, I won't try to be the boss.
I'm a man and with that comes a high sense of class,
I won't wear a swimsuit that rides up my ass.
I won't cry like a baby when Bambi gets shot
I don't make up false places, like the infamous "G-spot.
" I won't go out at night in a black mini-skirt,
then slap anybody that just tries to flirt.
You crazy women scare me, you have lots of gall,
To make Lorena a hero for hacking off balls.
Yes, I'm pleased to be male and I don't mean to gloat.
I'm sorry you don't understand how to work the remote.
I'll never tease you, or play hard to get.
If I don't get my way, I won't throw a fit.
I don't worry much about breaking a nail,
My face without makeup isn't distorted and pale.
I'll never say one thing while meaning another.
When life gets real hard, I won't run to my mother.
In order to understand just who I am;
You need a Y-chromosome; it's what makes you a man.
I'm not at all bitchy, annoying and loud.
I won't try to squeeze in jeans three sizes too small.
My credit card is still good when I leave from the mall.
I won't drink Diet Coke, or eat a rice cake.
There's no silicone here, my chest isn't fake.
My face isn't "lifted," my bra isn't stuffed,
I do what's proper, I leave the toilet seat up.
It doesn't take hours to fix up my hair,
I don't see the need to use bathrooms in pairs.
I won't throw a tirade and then blame PMS.
I'm a man and I'm glad I can deal with my stress.
I have intuition, I never get lost.
I share household duties, I won't try to be the boss.
I'm a man and with that comes a high sense of class,
I won't wear a swimsuit that rides up my ass.
I won't cry like a baby when Bambi gets shot
I don't make up false places, like the infamous "G-spot.
" I won't go out at night in a black mini-skirt,
then slap anybody that just tries to flirt.
You crazy women scare me, you have lots of gall,
To make Lorena a hero for hacking off balls.
Yes, I'm pleased to be male and I don't mean to gloat.
I'm sorry you don't understand how to work the remote.
I'll never tease you, or play hard to get.
If I don't get my way, I won't throw a fit.
I don't worry much about breaking a nail,
My face without makeup isn't distorted and pale.
I'll never say one thing while meaning another.
When life gets real hard, I won't run to my mother.
In order to understand just who I am;
You need a Y-chromosome; it's what makes you a man.
Defining a Female Personality
Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess,
I have two mounds upon my bodice.
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee.
I can justify any shopping spree.
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on.
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.
I always save money by using coupons.
Can admit to others when I am wrong.
Don't drive in circles at any cost,
So I don't have to admit when I am lost.
Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon Every time I go to the john.
Let me tell you men, listen to me boys.
Those things in your pants that you treat as toys.
You love them more then we ever will.
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill.
I spend two hours preparing for a date,
Only to find you're two hours late.
I don't watch movies with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair, I don't get jock itch
And just cause I'm assertive, don't call me a bitch.
I don't wear the same underwear everyday.
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay.
I don't go to Sears to look at the tools.
I don't cheat at poker, I follow the rules.
I don't smoke cigars.
Don't pay for drinks at bars.
I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi"
And it's o.k. for me to cry.
I know all you men
Think that you're "IT",
But compared to a woman
You just ain't SHIT!
I have two mounds upon my bodice.
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee.
I can justify any shopping spree.
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on.
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.
I always save money by using coupons.
Can admit to others when I am wrong.
Don't drive in circles at any cost,
So I don't have to admit when I am lost.
Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon Every time I go to the john.
Let me tell you men, listen to me boys.
Those things in your pants that you treat as toys.
You love them more then we ever will.
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill.
I spend two hours preparing for a date,
Only to find you're two hours late.
I don't watch movies with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair, I don't get jock itch
And just cause I'm assertive, don't call me a bitch.
I don't wear the same underwear everyday.
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay.
I don't go to Sears to look at the tools.
I don't cheat at poker, I follow the rules.
I don't smoke cigars.
Don't pay for drinks at bars.
I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi"
And it's o.k. for me to cry.
I know all you men
Think that you're "IT",
But compared to a woman
You just ain't SHIT!
Defining a Female Personality
Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess,
I have two mounds upon my bodice.
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee.
I can justify any shopping spree.
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on.
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.
I always save money by using coupons.
Can admit to others when I am wrong.
Don't drive in circles at any cost,
So I don't have to admit when I am lost.
Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon Every time I go to the john.
Let me tell you men, listen to me boys.
Those things in your pants that you treat as toys.
You love them more then we ever will.
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill.
I spend two hours preparing for a date,
Only to find you're two hours late.
I don't watch movies with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair, I don't get jock itch
And just cause I'm assertive, don't call me a bitch.
I don't wear the same underwear everyday.
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay.
I don't go to Sears to look at the tools.
I don't cheat at poker, I follow the rules.
I don't smoke cigars.
Don't pay for drinks at bars.
I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi"
And it's o.k. for me to cry.
I know all you men
Think that you're "IT",
But compared to a woman
You just ain't SHIT!
I have two mounds upon my bodice.
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee.
I can justify any shopping spree.
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on.
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.
I always save money by using coupons.
Can admit to others when I am wrong.
Don't drive in circles at any cost,
So I don't have to admit when I am lost.
Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon Every time I go to the john.
Let me tell you men, listen to me boys.
Those things in your pants that you treat as toys.
You love them more then we ever will.
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill.
I spend two hours preparing for a date,
Only to find you're two hours late.
I don't watch movies with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair, I don't get jock itch
And just cause I'm assertive, don't call me a bitch.
I don't wear the same underwear everyday.
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay.
I don't go to Sears to look at the tools.
I don't cheat at poker, I follow the rules.
I don't smoke cigars.
Don't pay for drinks at bars.
I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi"
And it's o.k. for me to cry.
I know all you men
Think that you're "IT",
But compared to a woman
You just ain't SHIT!
Men's Answer to Women's Questions
1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.
2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust "junior" and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.
7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest...Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their sons. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.
14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, its actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.
2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.
3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust "junior" and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.
4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.
7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest...Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their sons. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.
10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.
11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.
12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.
13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.
14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, its actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?
If you Love Some One ..
PESSIMIST
If you love somebody, set her free ... If she ever comes back, she's yours. If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.
OPTIMIST
If you love somebody, set her free ... Don't worry, she will come back.
SUSPICIOUS
If you love somebody, set her free ... If she ever comes back, ask her why.
VENGEFUL
If you love somebody, set her free ... If she doesn't come back, hunt her down and shoot her.
C++ PROGRAMMER
if(you-love(m_she)) m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;
ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVIST
If you love somebody, set her free ... In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
BILL GATES
If you love somebody, set her free ... If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
BIOLOGIST
If you love somebody, set her free ... She'll evolve.
SCHWARZENEGGER FAN
If you love somebody, set her free ... SHE'LL BE BACK!
OVERPOSSESSIVE
If you love somebody ... don't set her free.
PSYCHOLOGIST
If you love somebody set her free ... If she comes back, her super ego is dominant. If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme. If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.
SOMNAMBULIST
If you love somebody set her free ... If she comes back, it's a nightmare. If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.
RHETT BUTLER
If you love somebody set YOURSELF FREE ... If she asks you why, say you don't give a damn.
MARKETING EXPERT
If you love somebody set her free ... If she comes back, she has brand loyalty, If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.
If you love somebody, set her free ... If she ever comes back, she's yours. If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.
OPTIMIST
If you love somebody, set her free ... Don't worry, she will come back.
SUSPICIOUS
If you love somebody, set her free ... If she ever comes back, ask her why.
VENGEFUL
If you love somebody, set her free ... If she doesn't come back, hunt her down and shoot her.
C++ PROGRAMMER
if(you-love(m_she)) m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;
ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVIST
If you love somebody, set her free ... In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
BILL GATES
If you love somebody, set her free ... If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
BIOLOGIST
If you love somebody, set her free ... She'll evolve.
SCHWARZENEGGER FAN
If you love somebody, set her free ... SHE'LL BE BACK!
OVERPOSSESSIVE
If you love somebody ... don't set her free.
PSYCHOLOGIST
If you love somebody set her free ... If she comes back, her super ego is dominant. If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme. If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.
SOMNAMBULIST
If you love somebody set her free ... If she comes back, it's a nightmare. If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.
RHETT BUTLER
If you love somebody set YOURSELF FREE ... If she asks you why, say you don't give a damn.
MARKETING EXPERT
If you love somebody set her free ... If she comes back, she has brand loyalty, If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.
Best One Liners to Flirt
- I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.
- I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
- Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.
- Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
- I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
- I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
- If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
- You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
- That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
- There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
- Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
- Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
- Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
- Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
- Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's.
- Excuse me I lost my teddy bear will you sleep with me tonight.
- If you were a buger I would pick you first.
- You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? ( if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why)
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. ( have something quick to say afterwards) - Are your pants from outer space? 'cause your butt is out of this world.
- Are you a parking ticket? 'cause you got fine-fine-fine written all over ya.
- I can't wait until tomorrow. She replys why not. You say cause you look better everyday.
- Are you tired? Cause you've been running through my mind all day!
- If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together!
- I must be in heaven cause I've seen an angel.
- Come on baby, sex is like pizza: Even if it's bad, it's still pretty good.
- Do you wanna have kids with me??? No? Then do you just wanna practice?
- I wish you were a carousel at Wal-Mart so I could ride you all day long for just a quarter!!
- Aw, girl, I'm gonna have to put you on my "To Do" List!
- Save a horse -- ride a cowboy.
- Hey baby, will you be my love buffet so I can lay you on the table and take what I want?
- You know, it's not premarital sex unless you plan on getting married.
- Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
- I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
- Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
- Mmmm, you bring new meaning to the word "edible".
- Hey babe, do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
- Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?!?!!
- Sex is a killer...want to die happy?
- Hi! Can I buy you a car?
- I had sex with someone last night. Was that you?
- You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno.
- You're ugly but you intrigue me.
- Hey baby...infect me!
- Picture this, you, me, bubble baths, and a bottle of champagne.
- No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?
- Be unique and different, say yes.
- If you ever want to see your children again, you'll do what I want.
Funny One Liners
- Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
- Are you a surgeon? CAuse you've just took my heart away!
- Have I seen you before? OH yeah it was in the dictionary under the word KABLAM!!
- There must be a keg in your pants, cuz I want to tap that ass.
- You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
- My pickup line was published on the Internet... Would you like to hear it.
- Hey gorgeous the power company is looking for you you're so electrifying.
- I'm not actually this tall. I'm sitting on my wallet.
- Excuse me, but I think I dropped something!!! MY JAW!!
- Is your name Gillette? ...because you're the best a man can get.
- I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
- Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
- Bond. James Bond
- How do you like your eggs cooked? Why? Well I just wanted know what to make for you in the morning!
- If I pet you, would you follow me home?
- I'm not wearing any pants.
- I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
- I love the way you move...like butter on a bald monkey.
- You remind me of my Grandma except I haven't slept with you yet.
- You stole my heart. But that's okay; I have another one at home in the fridge.
- Do you just wanna get naked?
- Do you work for UPS? 'Cause I swear I saw you checking out my package!
- Why do I have a pierced tongue? You'll soon find out.
- Are you free tonight or is it gonna cost me?
- Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
- Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money.
- I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.
- I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
- Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.
- Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. - I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
- Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?
- If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
- You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
- That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
- There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
- Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
- Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
- Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
- Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
- Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's.
- Excuse me I lost my teddy bear will you sleep with me tonight.
- If you were a buger I would pick you first.
- Are your pants from outer space? 'cause your butt is out of this world.
- Are you a parking ticket? 'cause you got fine-fine-fine written all over ya.
- I can't wait until tomorrow. She replys why not. You say cause you look better everyday.
- Are you tired? Cause you've been running through my mind all day!
- If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put U and I together!
- I must be in heaven cause I've seen an angel.
- Come on baby, sex is like pizza: Even if it's bad, it's still pretty good.
- Do you wanna have kids with me??? No? Then do you just wanna practice?
- I wish you were a carousel at Wal-Mart so I could ride you all day long for just a quarter!!
- Aw, girl, I'm gonna have to put you on my "To Do" List!
- Save a horse -- ride a cowboy.
- Hey baby, will you be my love buffet so I can lay you on the table and take what I want?
- You know, it's not premarital sex unless you plan on getting married.
- Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
- I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
- Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
- Mmmm, you bring new meaning to the word "edible".
- Hey babe, do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
- Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?!?!!
- Sex is a killer...want to die happy?
- Hi! Can I buy you a car?
- I had sex with someone last night. Was that you?
- You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno.
- You're ugly but you intrigue me.
- Hey baby...infect me!
- Picture this, you, me, bubble baths, and a bottle of champagne.
- No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?
- Be unique and different, say yes.
- If you ever want to see your children again, you'll do what I want.
- Inheriting Pick Up Lines 101eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
- If I had a rose for everytime I thought of you, I'd be walking in my garden forever.
- You look so good, when I saw you I almost had a hard attack.
- Sweetheart, you make me wanna get a job.
- Excuse me, do you have a band-aid? I scraped my knee when I fell for you.
- Helen was so lovely the Trojans climbed into a horse. You're so gorgeous I'd climb into a Trojan.
- Nice legs. What time do they open?
- I hope you have a library card because I checking you out.
- I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you.
- I'm feeling a little off today. Would you mind turning me on?
- Since you lost your virginity, can I play with the box it came in?
- You must eat a lot of lucky charms because you are magically delicious!
- Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
- Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money
- I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock
- I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
- Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
- I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
- I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
- If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
- You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away
- "If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning."
- I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.
- Nice legs...what time do they open?
- Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
- You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
- Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
- I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
Great Sayings by Great People : Hilarious Part 2
ABOVE 18 only please
- .woman sitting in jelly have her ass in jam.
- ...man with penis in peanut butter, fucking nuts.
- ...man who puts penis in vaccuum cleaner, get sucked off.
- ...boy who lay girl on hill, not on level.
- ...man who lose key to girlfriend apartment, get no new-key!
- ...he who finger girl during period, get caught red-handed.
- ...he who smoke pot, choke on handle.
- ...woman who wear g-string, high on crack!
- ...he who stand on toilet, high on pot!
- ...boy who go to bed with sex problem on mind, wake up with solution on-hand!
- ...girl who bathe in vinegar, walk around with sour-puss!
- ...man with hand in bush, not nessarily trimming shrubs!
- ...man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money!
- ...he who masturbate, screw only himself!
- ...he who walks thru airplane door sideways is going to Bangkok!
- ...dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs!
Great Sayings by great People : Really Hilarious
ABOVE 18 Only
- 1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
- 2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
- 3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
- 4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
- 5. Passionate kiss like spider web-lead to undoing of fly.
- 6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.
- 7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
- 8. Virginity like balloon-one prick, all gone.
- 9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
- 10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
- 11. Baseball all wrong-man with four balls can't walk.
- 12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
- 13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
- 14. Man with penis in peanut butter is f***ing nuts.
- 15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
- 16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
- 17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
- 18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand
Celebrity Quotes About Relationships
Ah, yes divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. - Roseanne
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" - Dave Barry
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Jay Leno
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? - Jay Leno
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So, what's the problem? - Jay Leno
When the sun comes up, I have morals again. - Elayne Boosler
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. - Lewis Grizzard
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. - Roseanne
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" - Dave Barry
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Jay Leno
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? - Jay Leno
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So, what's the problem? - Jay Leno
When the sun comes up, I have morals again. - Elayne Boosler
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. - Lewis Grizzard
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy
Adult Stupidity : What not to Say
1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
2) How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic.
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut.
11) Jewish dilemma: Free PORK.
12) The three words most hated by men during sex: "Are you in?"
13) The three words women hate to hear when having sex: "Honey, I'm home!"
2) How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic.
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut.
11) Jewish dilemma: Free PORK.
12) The three words most hated by men during sex: "Are you in?"
13) The three words women hate to hear when having sex: "Honey, I'm home!"
Adult Stupidity : What not to Say
1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
2) How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic.
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut.
11) Jewish dilemma: Free PORK.
12) The three words most hated by men during sex: "Are you in?"
13) The three words women hate to hear when having sex: "Honey, I'm home!"
2) How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic.
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut.
11) Jewish dilemma: Free PORK.
12) The three words most hated by men during sex: "Are you in?"
13) The three words women hate to hear when having sex: "Honey, I'm home!"
I Love you in different languages
How to say I love you in different languages
- Afrikaans -- Ek is lief vir jou!
- Albanian -- Te dua!
- Amharic -- Afekrishalehou!
- Arabic -- Ohiboke (m to f), Nohiboka (f to m, or m to m)
- Armenian -- Yes kez si'rumem!
- Basque -- Maite zaitut!
- Bengali -- Ami tomake bahlobashi!
- Bosnian -- Volim te!
- Bulgarian -- Obicham te!
- Catalan -- T'estimo!
- Creole -- Mi aime jou!
- Croatian -- Volim te!
- Czech -- Miluji tev!
- Danish -- Jeg elsker dig!
- Dutch -- Ik hou van je!
- Esperanto -- Mi amas vin!
- Estonian -- Mina armastan sind!
- Farsi -- Tora dost daram!
- Filipino -- Iniibig kita!
- Finnish -- (Mä) rakastan sua!
- French -- Je t'aime!
- Frisian -- Ik hald fan dei!
- Galician -- Querote!
- German -- Ich liebe dich!
- Greek -- S'ayapo!
- Gujarati -- Hoon tane pyar karoochhoon! tane chaahuN chhuN!
- Hawaiian -- Aloha wau ia 'oe!
- Hebrew -- Anee ohev otakh (m to f), Anee ohevet otkha (f to m), Anee ohev otkha (m to m), Anee ohevet otakh (f to f)
- Hindi -- Mai tumase pyar karata hun (m to f), Mai tumase pyar karati hun (f to m)
- Hungarian -- Szeretlek!
- Icelandic -- Eg elska thig!
- Indonesian -- Saya cinta padamu!
- Irish -- t'a gr'a agam dhuit!
- Italian -- Ti amo!
- Japanese -- Kimi o ai shiteru!
- Korean -- Dangsinul saranghee yo!
- Latin -- Te amo!
- Latvian -- Es tevi milu!
- Lithuanian -- As tave myliu!
- Malaysian -- Saya cintamu!
- Mandarin -- Wo ai ni!
- Marshallese -- Yokwe Yuk!
- Norwegian -- Jeg elsker deg!
- Polish -- Kocham ciebie!
- Portuguese -- Eu te amo!
- Romanian -- Te iubesc!
- Russian -- Ya tyebya lyublyu!
- Sanskrit -- twayi snihyaami
- Serbian -- Volim te!
- Sesotho -- Kiyahurata!
- Slovak -- Lubim ta!
- Slovenian -- Ljubim te!
- Spanish -- Te amo!
- Swahili -- Nakupenda!
- Swedish -- Jag älskar dig!
- Tagalog -- Mahal kita!
- Thai -- Phom rug khun (Male speaker) Chan rug khun (Female speaker)
- Turkish -- Seni seviyorum!
- Ukrainian -- Ya tebe kokhayu!
- Urdu -- Main tumse muhabbat karta hoon!
- Vietnamese -- Anh yeu em (m to f), Em yeu an (f to m)
- Welsh -- Rwy'n dy garu di!
- Yiddish -- Kh'hob dikh lib!
- Zulu -- Ngiyakuthanda!