TYPES OF BOYFRIENDS

1. Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?" Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup

Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

2. Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV." Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk

Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

3. Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did." Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you

Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

4. Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'." Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb

Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

5. Lazybones - "Zzzzzz" Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict

Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

6. The Sneak - "Who, me?" Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch

Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

7. Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?" Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster

Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

8. The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but ..." Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind

Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

9. Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?" Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy

Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction