Life's Rules To Be A Perfect Man

1. Don't call, ever.

2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.

3. Lie.

4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike."

5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.

6. Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?"

7. Drink Vernors.

8. Play with yourself. Talk about it.

9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.

10. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.

11. Lie.

12. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.

13. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help - don't ask. People will think you have no penis.

14. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

15. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.

16. If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."

17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.

19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.

21. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.

22. Say things like, "Wha...?"

23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.

24. Lie.

25. Deny everything. Everything. 26. Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."

27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.

28. Don't have a clue.

29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.

30. No means yes.

31. Yes means no.

32. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.

33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.

34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.

35. Feelings? What feelings?

36. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."

37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.

38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to personally irradiate all of them from the planet.

39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."

40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.

41. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.

42. Lie.

43. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it.

44. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.

45. Ditch your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Ditch her again. Repeat cycle.

46. Lie.

47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.

48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.

49. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things.

You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.

50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.